Category: Humor
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Morgenbesserisms
A sampling of the quick wit of Sidney Morgenbesser (1921-2004).
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A Modernist and a Medievalist Trade Insults
Modernist to medievalist: Medieval philosophy is substance abuse! Medievalist to modernist: Modern philosophy is self abuse! (And that reminds me of a marginalium Schopenhauer inscribed into his copy of Fichte's Wissenschaftslehre: Onanie! (onanism) Wissenschaftslehre translates as Theory of Science. Schopenhauer, however, referred in print to Fichte's book as Wissenschaftsleere, which sounds the same but translates…
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Chess Players Commiserate on Their Failed Marriages
A: "We were bishops of opposite color." B: "Sorry to hear that. In our case the union ended when she discovered I had insufficient mating material." C: "We just couldn't get it together. When ever she wanted to make love, I was busy making Luft." D: "She blew her stack when I gingerly brought up…
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Old Paul Harvey Joke
Man attempts to enter swanky restaurant. Maitre d' informs him that coat and tie are required. Man returns to car, dons coat, and tries once more to enter. Maitre d' says that a tie is also necessary. Man returns to car, opens trunk, takes out jumper cables, and arranges them around his neck. Heated discussion…
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The Dog Delusion
Image swiped from Reppert's site. But the following is mine: Wherein Kitty learns that there's probably no Dog and that she should stop worrying and enjoy her life.
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Examples of Outfits Not to Join
"Study everything, join nothing." I am sometimes asked for examples. Here are some from Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary under the entry Regalia. (Borrowed from Gilleland the Erudite): . . . Knights of Adam; Visionaries of Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel…
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Hell for Philosophers
Jean-Paul Sartre put the following into the mouth of a character in the play, No Exit: "Hell is other people." What then would hell be for philosophers? To be locked in a room forever with a philosopher with whom one has little or no common ground. David Stove and Theodor Adorno, for example. Or Sartre and…
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Phone Phools
Here are my two favorite examples of telephonic foolishness. 1. Leaving a message on the wrong answering machine. This has happened more than once. One time, a guy calls and hears our message: "This is Bill and Mary. We are either unable or unwilling to come to the phone at this time. Please leave a…
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Back Off! I’m Grumpy
I spied a composite of the above two images on the rear window of a beat-to-hell pickup truck. Thedecal depicted the character Grumpy of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves brandishing guns in the manner of that Yosemite Sam character one sometimes sees on mud flaps with the logo, "Back off." Can I squeeze any…
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Chutzpah
A kid murders his parents and then throws himself on the mercy of the court on the ground that he is an orphan. That's chutzpah! (via Dennis Prager)
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Should Fox Hunting Be Banned?
Watch those amphibolous constructions, muchachos. (HT: Seldom Seen Slim)
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The Difference Between Me and You
I'm sensitive, you're touchy. I'm firm, you are pigheaded. Frugality in me is cheapness in you. I am open-minded, you are empty-headed. I am careful, you are obsessive. I am courageous while you are as reckless as a Kennedy. I am polite while you are obsequious. My speech is soothing, yours is unctuous. I am…
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Why Is Rome Called the Eternal City?
Because there's always Rome. Why Episcopalians Cross the Tiber.
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Variations on a Theme
Life's a bitchAnd then you die. Life is a bitch. And then you die?No: Life is a joyous adventure. And then you die. (Ed Abbey, Confessions, p. 325) Life's a beachAnd then you dive. Life's a beach? Which?Sonova Beach. Life's a bitchBut I'm married to one. (Redneck bumpersticker) Life's a bitchBut I found my niche.…
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B.A., M.A., Ph.D.
Gescheit, gescheiter, gescheitert.